The Green Light

"..are you gonna sit on the sidelines & watch, or are you gonna get in the game, & play ball?.."

That's a question we all have to ask ourselves at one point or another. That point came for me when I turned 25. And realized, that more often than not, I'm spending my time doing things I have to do instead of indulging in things I want to do. That I was having more "ok" days than "great" days... That happiness was becoming an unattainable dream I was chasing futuristically.. as I presently just... existed.

Yes. All at 25. I took a look at my life... and realized I wasn't happy with what it was, what it was becoming. That though I had responsibilities and goals that placed unwanted restrictions on my time, I still wasn't utilizing the small gaps of time I did have to myself in a fulfilling manner. I used to tell myself... once I completed my masters program, everything will go back to "normal". But here's the thing. I didn't want it to. "Normal" was never that great for me, and "normal" was never what I wanted. That left me at a loss.

How do you simultaneously create the life you want while navigating the life that you have?

A daunting task, I must say. Especially once you've truly come to realize there really aren't enough hours in the day.

But I really had to have a real conversation with myself. Truly ask myself:

Do you want to watch people live their lives, or begin to live your own?

What is preventing you from becoming the person you want to be?

Why do you feel that you aren't always in control when it is your life?

And the answers are... YES. I  want to live MY life, desperately... && that more often than not, the barrier to change in becoming the ideal me.. is ME. && honestly, the best way to be in control [of yourself] is to not be controlling.

Control.... interesting concept. Particularly for a person like me who thrives on it, within it. But the truth is, we are never in control [completely]. And the key to owning yourself and your life, is to accept that. And operate accordingly.

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It all sounds great, right?.... Like I have all the answers.. && have it all under "control"
... LOL.. nah

Here's the reality. The only constant in life is change. But change is one of the hardest things to do.

We are creatures of habit... we cling to what we know.. and what has always "worked".. even if it hasn't always left us the most satisfied.

The true catalyst for change is discomfort. Discomfort so extreme that change is no longer an option; it becomes a necessity.

&& with that said... I'm only beginning this journey. Of true self-discovery.
Genuine vulnerability. Complete honesty. Total acceptance. Pure love.

So no.... you won't catch me on the sidelines any longer. I'll be too busy playing {the game}[better known as life]. I encourage the rest of you on the sidelines to join me.

Fallacy

This hurts me
Epiphany
Lack of acceptance
of ME
Inner Peace....longing....
demons...preying...plaguing....
I'm not who I thought I was....
not who I thought I'd be...
yet I refuse to look in the mirror
&& see me...for me
who I Am
who I'm not...
Everything
Allusions to an Illusion
A lost butterfly
intricacies upon intricacies of delicate detail
too complex to comprehend
to distinguish beginning from end

|Silhouette|

Silhouette.... Smoke screens.... Jade
The lilies are merely figurative notions...
Imaginably blowing in the wind..
I see you for who you are.
What you are.
All the imagery I more so dreamed would represent you
It doesn't get more real than this.
I love you.
But I shouldn't.
I never should've.
&& because of that...
Reality beams down on me ...
like the bold, brilliant afternoon sun..

Identity [ #LaterBlog ]

Empty bottles of wine litter the apartment floor....
Lipstick-stained wine glasses...
half braided blonde hair....
tattered clothing...

a tattered mind... thoughts, memories replayed...
struggling to forget what your heart can't seem to not remember
that feeling....
as misleading as it is
that feeling....

I went down south this past week... back home. To South Carolina, where my family dwells, to North Carolina where there's literally nothing there but road, trees, and tons of mobile homes.... a former one-high school, now two high-school town, that is all of 30-50 miles wide.... that is responsible for my childhood... That taught me who not to  be.... Poverty. Drug culture. Unprotected sex.... Babies, families, minimum wage existence... this is the reality of those... still in Harnett County... still in Spring Lake.. Lillington, Bunnlevel.

.. I couldn't shake the thought...  had I not left, who would I be?

But furthermore, because I left, who am I?...

Mad World

"...&&& I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying, are the best I've ever had...."

 

 

Another song, better yet, another concept that has permanently infiltrated my mind. Donnie Darko, a cult-classic film in which this song was eloquently embedded, challenges the notion of reality vs. fantasy.

"When people run in circles, it's a very very.... Mad World."

 

 

The Concept

Teenage FanClub, a late 80s-early 90s Scottish, alternative rock band, created a song that I haven't been able to get out of my head since I first heard it. The song, entitled "The Concept", which was released in '91, was used in a modern-day bizarre comedy starring Charlize Theron, affectionately and ironically titled "Young Adult". I often watch this movie, effortlessly placing myself in Charlize's shoes, as she relives her "glory days" and attempts to reconnect with her first love. This song is redundantly played throughout the film, highlighting the flesh memory notion of music, along with the time capsule that certain songs are able to willingly trap us within.

 

BandwagonEsque. How fitting.

 

Legacy

"I used to be the type of kid that would always think the sky is falling....
Why am I so differently wired? ... Am I a Martian? " - MM

A question that has plagued my existence since I've become aware of the very notion that I do in fact exist....

On the outside looking in, best way to describe this sensation...

Belonging to a lost generation of art-crazed hippies who desire nothing more than to think critically and effortlessly change the world....simply by being.

Repression. Be "normal". Fit in. Don't stand out.

How does one maintain an identity in a world that thrives off anonymity?

That's the key. Defeat.

Separation. Elevation.

"I used to be the type of kid that would always think the sky is falling...
Now I think the fact that I'm differently wired is awesome..." - MM

Because if I wasn't.....

Black void. Full of nothingness. Darkness. A blank space on the stencil that consists of my etches, my impact, my print on the world.

There's no guarantee.... It's not up to me.

This is my Legacy.