Word-Play

I wanted to do something..... at least.... so I thought...
caught up in thoughts that seem so magical... yet.... I felt so ... lost
Torn...
unsure... did I really WANT to do SOMEthing?.... or did I...
want.... nothing.
struggling to wrap my mind around my reality
seeing life in shades of color so blurred together that it becomes hard to define...
up...from down.... left from right....
blind.... from. Sight.
I wanted to DO..... something... ANYthing....
but what I NEEDED to do was NOTHING.

I'm a "Writer"...or am I?

I haven't taken the time to write in a very long time... a part of me feels like I may even be afraid to do so... it's been so long... sometimes I even doubt the validity of calling myself a "writer"....

A "writer"... what does that even mean? How is it defined...I'm sure no one can truly say... which is typically the case w/ any given word or phrase... I am acknowledging my fear of writing... of trying... of opening myself up to being vulnerable to my thoughts... my wordly creations... giving in is easier said than done... writing is speaking.... only silently.... catharsis... w/out the awkward attention paid to diction... writing is too much of a release.. to do lightly anyway... when you write, you have to mean it... otherwise.. what's the point?

Another interesting detail that I have noticed about [my] writing is that it must be triggered... often by {negative} affect... sadly...if all is well, creation is lacking.. heavily... I guess it is true... out of destruction comes creation... personally I think it just may work the other way around as well... regardless... my ability to write [well] only seems to exist when a trigger is presented... when I try to write w/ a lack of a trigger... it is... often... incoherent... obsolete... bland... & lacking passion... I wonder why... proof that I am driven by my emotions &&& NOT my thoughts... guess I don't know how to execute I over E as effectively as I thought.... [revelations]..?

The more I write... the more I learn about myself... I realize often that I compromise who I am for the sake of maintaining relationships... but if I have to do that, is a relationship actually worth maintaining?... I wonder...the real challenge of life is accepting others exactly as they are... & being yourself so others have the opportunity to accept you exactly as YOU are...the fear that accompanies that challenge often conquers the task itself.. making it impossible to complete....

[[2 B Con't]]

**unfinished post**

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

:)

...If it's not Today....

Never felt this way...

&&& yet I'm so sure...

so confused...lost...anxious....

yet...I just know... my intentions are pure

the pain... that I cause... I feel..

the more I scar others, the longer it takes my heart to heal

I cry... inside....

too afraid to let the tears fall

I pray.... silently...

too afraid to hear my own desperate call

a feeling that is so intense... it takes everything in me to contain it

a pain that is so powerful...it takes my all...simply to just endure....

endure.... endure.... but at what point is this no longer enough?...

then what???.... what?....

trying my hardest to not give up....

but I don't know what else to do....

so to avoid the pain, the tears, the anxiety, the confusion...

I write....

&&& write

&&&& write.....

it's all I know... all I have....

so I cling to it for dear life....

the only form of catharsis that works....

the only way to make it... to persevere... the only way to be heard..

is to write...

so I will never stop....

ever...

&&& maybe then... just maybe... I will be able to escape myself...

only time will tell.

Love [or something like it]

I think about you... especially when I don't want to...
I dream of you... even when the characters are faceless ... I know they are ... you

Denial

Sometimes... I just want to be with you... && sometimes... I really don't...
I sit & wait for you to contact me... but deep down... I know you won't...

Uncertainty

Instability is characteristic of most... so why use it as an excuse?
Deep down I feel ... you are looking for an easy way cut me loose...

Passion

The complexity of thought...emotion... is complicated enough to elude us all
... but perhaps... maybe... just maybe.. that's the beauty of it [the ability to fall]

Being a Black Woman Is...

Beautiful

Powerful

Dangerous

Painful

Complicated

Lovely

Daring

Spontaneous

Heavy

.....

it is anything...everything... that a person could imagine...

Black...is...Beautiful

Beautiful
Black
Woman

3 words...that can't be separated....

Queen...

Black Women...why is it so hard to embrace US? who we are? who we want to be? what we want to do? what we want to look like?

We are taught by history to not trust ourselves, defile ourselves, deny ourselves... we are commanded to self-hate...

no wonder black women have the most complex self-esteem...

Conquerors...powerful beyond measure... Black Woman....

Being a Black Woman is...

Pleasure... [a neverending battle]

~Ms. EZ~

I Had a Dream...

Last night I dreamed a dream...
though it seemed too real to be fake...i knew that it was when i opened my eyes and witnessed daybreak
Last night I dreamed a dream...
that nothing truly is as it seems...all the lies that you told...they began to rip @ the seams....
Last night I dreamed a dream...
that it was you & me...only...you were...you...not this facade of who you used to be...
Last night I dreamed a dream....
that all your false truths were exposed....you were left lonely...no longer clothed
with the vanity you draped over yourself to protect yourself from the pain
the pain of knowing that you lost your one true love because you did not know how to gain..without pain...
that you didn't know the beauty...the true worth of a woman....that you didn't know...that sleeping around on her....that abusing her...verbally...physically....that you didn't know....that taking advantage of her love...would ultimately....lead to you....losing.....her
Last night...i dreamed...a dream...
a terrifying dream that made me scream...made my heart race....my mind melt...my thoughts turn into cream
my dreams destroyed....my conquests....suddenly void...the pain i endured.....alll...nulll....& void
b/c you decided....to lie....to cheat.....
Last night...
i dreamed...
a dream....
that made you seem.....better...
than you have ever been...
and that is when i realized.....
i had a dream...
b/c you were never what you seemed

-Late in the midnight hour my mind races, my thoughts, they pass by in phases, when will this story end, how many more pages?- EmotionZ

Having my Cake...&&& eating it too

Some claim that this is impossible to do
but what is true is that nothing is impossible
&&& with all things being possible then this too can come true
.....oh but only in an oh so perfect world....
can a woman live in confusion....and be caught up in a whirl...
confused about what comes next....and what she really wants....
doing what makes her feel good...never having to front...
coming and going as she pleases....no one's feelings being hurt
saying what she wants to whoever..openly being a proud flirt
deciding I feel for both of you...so both of you I must have
deciding each of you must give to me only...even though that may make you sad
you aren't my one and only but I gotta be yours
if not...I may just shut and lock all the doors
that lead to my heart...b/c I DON'T WANT TO BE HURT
but what about me?.....and all my dirt?
.....ob but only in an oh so perfect world....
do doves cry...and men actually understand what it means to be a woman...
only do i understand what it means to be my father's child...when i'm torn between...
a man...and a past....and a love...that i was so sure would last...and that has...
but b/c of me...its struggling....so sure i knew how to set things free....
not sure of how to let life go...and move on with things...acting like i know..
whats best for you &&& me....when i really don't....
i won't...
i won't...
i won't...
continue to hurt you dear friend...as i struggle to make these feelings come to an end
i will not continue to deceive you...my heart...as i lie and tell you that everything has fallen apart....
am i too sentimental....
or am i just too real
do i let everything get to me....
or am i just acknowledging how i feel..
i want my cake....but i want to eat it too.....
tell me....what am i supposed to do???