Love [or something like it]

I think about you... especially when I don't want to...
I dream of you... even when the characters are faceless ... I know they are ... you

Denial

Sometimes... I just want to be with you... && sometimes... I really don't...
I sit & wait for you to contact me... but deep down... I know you won't...

Uncertainty

Instability is characteristic of most... so why use it as an excuse?
Deep down I feel ... you are looking for an easy way cut me loose...

Passion

The complexity of thought...emotion... is complicated enough to elude us all
... but perhaps... maybe... just maybe.. that's the beauty of it [the ability to fall]

Being a Black Woman Is...

Beautiful

Powerful

Dangerous

Painful

Complicated

Lovely

Daring

Spontaneous

Heavy

.....

it is anything...everything... that a person could imagine...

Black...is...Beautiful

Beautiful
Black
Woman

3 words...that can't be separated....

Queen...

Black Women...why is it so hard to embrace US? who we are? who we want to be? what we want to do? what we want to look like?

We are taught by history to not trust ourselves, defile ourselves, deny ourselves... we are commanded to self-hate...

no wonder black women have the most complex self-esteem...

Conquerors...powerful beyond measure... Black Woman....

Being a Black Woman is...

Pleasure... [a neverending battle]

~Ms. EZ~

I Had a Dream...

Last night I dreamed a dream...
though it seemed too real to be fake...i knew that it was when i opened my eyes and witnessed daybreak
Last night I dreamed a dream...
that nothing truly is as it seems...all the lies that you told...they began to rip @ the seams....
Last night I dreamed a dream...
that it was you & me...only...you were...you...not this facade of who you used to be...
Last night I dreamed a dream....
that all your false truths were exposed....you were left lonely...no longer clothed
with the vanity you draped over yourself to protect yourself from the pain
the pain of knowing that you lost your one true love because you did not know how to gain..without pain...
that you didn't know the beauty...the true worth of a woman....that you didn't know...that sleeping around on her....that abusing her...verbally...physically....that you didn't know....that taking advantage of her love...would ultimately....lead to you....losing.....her
Last night...i dreamed...a dream...
a terrifying dream that made me scream...made my heart race....my mind melt...my thoughts turn into cream
my dreams destroyed....my conquests....suddenly void...the pain i endured.....alll...nulll....& void
b/c you decided....to lie....to cheat.....
Last night...
i dreamed...
a dream....
that made you seem.....better...
than you have ever been...
and that is when i realized.....
i had a dream...
b/c you were never what you seemed

-Late in the midnight hour my mind races, my thoughts, they pass by in phases, when will this story end, how many more pages?- EmotionZ

Having my Cake...&&& eating it too

Some claim that this is impossible to do
but what is true is that nothing is impossible
&&& with all things being possible then this too can come true
.....oh but only in an oh so perfect world....
can a woman live in confusion....and be caught up in a whirl...
confused about what comes next....and what she really wants....
doing what makes her feel good...never having to front...
coming and going as she pleases....no one's feelings being hurt
saying what she wants to whoever..openly being a proud flirt
deciding I feel for both of you...so both of you I must have
deciding each of you must give to me only...even though that may make you sad
you aren't my one and only but I gotta be yours
if not...I may just shut and lock all the doors
that lead to my heart...b/c I DON'T WANT TO BE HURT
but what about me?.....and all my dirt?
.....ob but only in an oh so perfect world....
do doves cry...and men actually understand what it means to be a woman...
only do i understand what it means to be my father's child...when i'm torn between...
a man...and a past....and a love...that i was so sure would last...and that has...
but b/c of me...its struggling....so sure i knew how to set things free....
not sure of how to let life go...and move on with things...acting like i know..
whats best for you &&& me....when i really don't....
i won't...
i won't...
i won't...
continue to hurt you dear friend...as i struggle to make these feelings come to an end
i will not continue to deceive you...my heart...as i lie and tell you that everything has fallen apart....
am i too sentimental....
or am i just too real
do i let everything get to me....
or am i just acknowledging how i feel..
i want my cake....but i want to eat it too.....
tell me....what am i supposed to do???

A True Lesbian Tell-Tale

ALICIA
That was it; that was all that I could take. I longed for more, I longed for all that should be given to me freely…I obviously didn’t deserve as much as I believed that I did. I just wish, wish that I had an opt to show her that I meant what I said, everything that I said…that even though it may have been wrong…I want what I want and that is that – end of discussion.
Why I couldn’t just say all of this to her still remains a mystery to me…a problem that has yet to be solved. Seeing her beautiful face everyday, hugging her, loving her, and most importantly, being with her has altered my life so greatly, it’s almost as if my breakdown was nonexistent…that the depression that used to possess my reality no longer had any application to my life. Do you any idea how this made me feel? How free I finally felt to finally be able to embrace and share my love with the one true person that my heart has been captured by…but it isn’t all gravy and butter; life isn’t all smooth and clear…every now and then…reality, I mean the true reality, not the ones that we as humans have learned to believe in and depend on, but the reality provided from the insight of the high and mighty one from above decides to kick in and show that even though we are ok right now, sooner or later, we were both going to have to toughen up and prepare to truly embrace our future…our future of being apart…our future of being the type of people that we honestly were raised to be…the type of women who grow up, fall in love with beautiful men, get married, have a family and just live motha fuckin happily-ever-after…yeah right!
But none of this was on my mind right now…I mean, how could it be? I have this beautiful woman lying next to me, naked as can be, lying freely with her hand on my hand and her eyes on mine…All I could possibly think at the moment was how in love I was…how I would give damn near anything to remain in this elegant bliss of being able to truly be happy in the presence of the one who is supposed to provide me with joy…What can I say yo; I love this girl!

CADENSE
It was so unrealistic in my eyes…so unpredictable, so spontaneous, so out of nowhere…lying next to this girl so awkwardly exposed without a single thought or intention of even attempting to try to cover myself up. I was in bliss, enjoying the presence and the essence given off by this spicy Latin queen…Alicia Lopez, the love that has conquered my heart, taken over my soul, and completely and totally possesses my mind…this half Latin/half Black Americana chica who has so subtly slipped her way into my life with a permanent position…This girl…this woman lying next to me who is perfectly aware of my exposure but focusing in on nothing but the sultriness of my eyes…this girl…she has worked wonders in my life…things that I will never forget, things that I will never ever want to cease to remember…We both know that this bliss, this essence of pure happiness and enjoyment of life is horribly temporary, for eventually we will have to address the nature of our potential, but “mos def” definite separation. But until that moment comes, I will faithfully live in the moment and get the most from our situation.
It’s almost jus such a love story of classic telling to explain to you, dear reader, the process behind the unity of our souls…yet I feel so inclined to share it anyway. You see, Alicia, she is such a hopeless romantic, not when it comes to love or love affairs in general, but when it comes to me. She so badly believes that we were meant to be, maybe not for eternity but for the moment and forever in her own personal chamber of her heart…she believes that we are forever. I believed that we belonged as friends, no more, yet definitely no less. She saw right through me, broke me down, and helped me to understand and apply the concept of “embracing the here and now”; that is what my half Espanola chica has done for me…
Life has been a constant journey for me, traveling through bad thoughts, bad experiences and bad people, dealing with those with a tolerant level who don’t even possess the privilege to even have the right to be dealing with me…it has all been seen, it has all been said, and it mos def has all been done…yet I still stand for my feelings, the feelings that possess me so without any cheering on from my part. I do not support my feelings nor do I take them to be completely just in this situation, but I do know that right or wrong, the feelings are real, and, at this point, that is all that should matter…therefore, it is the only thing that really does.
These things that I speak of are not easy things to share, not easy to tell how you know that what you are doing is wrong but there is no way for you to stop yourself…it is hard to admit that I feel as if I have no control, that as of now, all I have the power to do is flow with the moment. These things that I speak of, they hurt my soul…but just know, it’s all worth it if I can jus help one struggler finally reach their goal…

ALICIA
Lying here next to my girl, all I want to stare at is the beautiful shade of brown that her eyes seem to sparkle with. It’s not about the physical thangs when it comes to me and C, because deep down in her heart, all I want is for her to feel me…
A classic love tale, that is definitely what we share, for a lot of prodding and pressuring was done on my part to open her eyes and focus her mind…I wouldn’t even deny the accusation that maybe I kind of did brainwash her, but I can honestly say that it was not even remotely necessary nor was it a direct intention. I love her, yes, I wanted to be with her and would stop at the cost of nothing, yes, but in the end, none of that would have mattered if she didn’t feel the same way…so as you can see, mos definitely…I didn’t have to brainwash her, I jus had to help open her mind up to the possibility of exploring her mind and embracing the way she knows that she honestly feels…in the end, that is definitely a much healthier solution than struggling to hold it in…
It breaks my heart to know that me and C are not forever, and it hurts even more to know that even if she wanted to, there jus is no possibility…we both have a purpose, a purpose in life that only involves the other in the role of a friend, a moral supporter…not a lover, and as much as it hurts to say it, I know it’s the truth. As much as I believe it to be a sin, I believe that the fact that our love is real is justification enough for us take it to the next level…it jus isn’t just enough for us to try to endure this “next level” for eternity…
Don’t be fooled at my boldness and willingness to admit my iniquities and my wrongs…it still is an extremely difficult and horribly painful thing to do…but after it is all said and done, all I want to be able to do is to look back on my life with no regrets toward or about this girl, because even though we may not be together, she will always be the love that I keep in my heart, reminding me that true love is still possible…even if it isn’t exactly probable…

ALICIA & CADENSE
Dear reader, we really want you to understand that this is the true tell tale of a lesbian love affair that held the love and potential to go far but lacked the support, drive, and determination needed to keep the engine running. We hope, in our attempt to shed some light on the multi-emotional state of mentality that you will be feeling throughout your adventure, that you don’t forget that what you are doing may be “wrong”, but that you remember that no matter what the circumstance, love is never wrong! Remember, and apply it, for without it, you will die an unhappy being, “A hesitant today only leads to a regretful tomorrow, but a proactive spirit leads to healthy love and appreciation for life…”.

Love,
Alicia
&
Cadence
“It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved (nor embraced it) at all…”

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover...even if it is Tattered

DISCLAIMER: Because this blog I am about to write may in fact rub many people the wrong way, I think it is important to begin with a disclaimer. I do not in any way, shape, or form condone domestic violence, nor do I think that any victim of it ever deserves it.

W/ that said, let us begin.

The media never fails to amaze or disappoint me. The Chris Brown/Rihanna situation is clearly a very touchy one, but it's not one that we know enough about to pass judgment. Chris Brown, in less than 24 hrs, has been turned into this woman beating monster and it truly gets under my skin. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT REALLY HAPPENED THAT NIGHT, OR WHY. But we continue to treat Rihanna like the poor, helpless victim and Brown like the raging, abusive muscle man. IT ISN'T FAIR.

Most people would argue that there is NEVER a reason to hit a woman. Shit...there is a reason to hit everybody; just DON'T do it. Chris Brown, if he did in fact put his hands on Rihanna in any type of way, he was OUT OF LINE. Period. However, if Rihanna ALSO put her hands on Chris Brown, then she too was OUT OF LINE and should be reprimanded in the same manner. It's no secret that men do more damage than women when it comes to physical violence but that doesn't make it acceptable for women to beat on men and not vice versa. Until the full facts of the situation have been disclosed, then I think judgment should be withheld on both of their behalves. We are not in their relationship, nor were any of us there that night. What occurred is their business and their doing. When they choose to disclose the details, then opinions and stances can be made and formed [even though I still believe that no one on this earth is in a position to pass judgment on ANY one else for doing ANYthing b/c we have all done @ least one thing in our lives that could be considered as questionable. No one is perfect...and it's absurd that people expected either one of them to be].

Moving on...apparently the media now wants to harp on the fact that Chris Brown had to witness domestic violence in his childhood...so of COURSE he abused Rihanna. It all makes sense now...right? WRONG. Though it puts him @ a higher pre-disposition to be violent, it in no way MAKES him violent. The sudden desire for Brown to admit his "sins" and seek "help that he greatly needs" irks me to no end. From what we know, this is a case of situational couple violence, meaning that it is an isolated incident that resulted from an isolated argument. This is the most common type of violence found in intimate relationships!!! &&& in this age range, women are actually more violent than men! they just do less damage. @ least 40% of intimate relationships right now have some type of intimate violence involved in them. Why am I saying all this? Because this behavior occurs more often than people think. Chris Brown, if he did it, had one case of his rage flaring out of control, and suddenly he needs professional help??? PLEASE!!!

&&& Lastly, all this talk of how they are now going to start focusing more on domestic violence. BULLSHIT. Women have been in abusive relationships, as well as men, for YEARSSSSS &&&& YEARSSSS and now suddenly America cares??? Bullshit. Rihanna and Chris, if anything, shed some light on a problem that already exists in intimate relationships, but this is in no way the first time something like this has occurred in celebrity America [or everyday America for that matter]. Media and haters: hop off this drama, let CB & Rihanna work it out on their own, and go on with your lives. Remember, "judge not or you too shall be judged".

What gives me the right to speak out on such an issue as domestic abuse? Idk...a lot of things. Maybe b/c I've seen and experienced it first hand. All I know is, it takes two to tango so we need to stop "taking sides" and support these young adults in moving forward with their lives.

Revelation Revealed

As I look back over my life, I marvel at the growth that has occurred within me, mentally and spiritually. 2008 was a year of transition and lessons learned with God constantly beating me over the head with the same message over and over again: care about YOU first. Selfish message, it seems, but not when you've never taken the time to ever do it. And of course I continued to flee...ignoring what He told me and continuing to do what I felt. And then..it came to me in a dream. I saw myself dying... over and over and over and over....multiple ways...one night....in a number of hours...I died over 20 different ways....car crashes...plane crashes....burning buildings....gun shots....beaten to death...and finally...I got the point. After having that same dream for a week straight, I realized that it was time that I took my master's words seriously....and protected what was left of my life.

Growth...it occurs when we least expect it to. Through dreams....God has a tendency to reveal things to me. I used to doubt it...attribute it to coincidence...but there is no such thing...there is only God's plan. Back in 2001...when I still lived in NC...I kept having the same dream over and over again from Dec. 11 - 15....walking out of my house without saying goodbye...and never coming back....and waking up humming the same song..EVERY single time..."Lifetime" by Maxwell...wondering...what the hell is going on? And then it hit me...today will be my last day in North Carolina. No one had talked of moving...or leaving....or going anywhere other than me leaving to visit my mother in Maryland...but somehow I just knew...I wouldn't be coming back...but deep down, I prayed I was wrong. I went to school that day, said goodbye to everyone...took everything out of my locker...and left school early to start my winter break. I went out that night and did things I would have never done in my life...only trying to live in the moment that I would never possess again. The next morning I left for Maryland and since the 16 of December 2001, I have yet to step foot back in North Carolina. Coincidence? Can't be.

Let's move ahead. In the year 2009, I already have had 2 repetitious dreams that I believe are trying to tell me something. One I won't share for the privacy of that individual but the other I will share b/c I care not about my own privacy. [what can I say? Legitimacy is Intimacy] So far, 2 nights in a row this week...I have dreamed about my father being replaced....and I do mean this in the most literal way. He is there one second, then he is murdered. Then a man who actually has been a strong father figure in my life steps up and takes his place. The first night it was my stepfather...last night...it was my old high school English teacher who I have always viewed as a second father and still keep in touch with to this day. What does it mean???

Disclaimer: some people truly don't believe in interpreting dreams. IF you are one
of these people, then please, disregard all that i have said. I respect that stance but seeing as to how all my dreams in the past have meant something, I believe this also means something.

Getting back to what I was saying, a few weeks ago, my cousin from South Carolina (which is where my dad and his side of the family lives) called to tell me that my father was in the hospital...that he had tried to commit suicide. Now while I haven't had a real relationship with my father since 2001, it still cut my heart wide open b/c I love him so and think about him every day. EVERY day. I tried to reach him...not a chance. Tried to talk to him....he never picked up. Left messages. He never called me back. Called my cousin only to hear that he's out of the hospital and back home, presumably doing fine...then why hasn't he contacted me back??
Maybe...just maybe...my dream...may not occur in the literal sense...[God forbid my father be murdered]...but other men are definitely filling his void...and as much of a blessing as that is...it is equally depressing...and it will continue to haunt me..day by day...especially because I know it doesn't have to be this way.

I know this blog is very intimate...private....maybe a bit too emotional...but I had to get it out. These dreams plague me...I wish they would stop...but God gave them to me. I must...listen...pray...and do as He tells me...no matter how painful some of it may be...nor how frightening or disheartening. I've been trying to reach out to my father for YEARS...and I've been rejected every single time...in multiple ways. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to let go...to allow the other men in my life to be positive male father figures...and to stop subjecting myself to constant rejection...as painful as it is...Revelation Revealed.