Revelation Revealed

As I look back over my life, I marvel at the growth that has occurred within me, mentally and spiritually. 2008 was a year of transition and lessons learned with God constantly beating me over the head with the same message over and over again: care about YOU first. Selfish message, it seems, but not when you've never taken the time to ever do it. And of course I continued to flee...ignoring what He told me and continuing to do what I felt. And then..it came to me in a dream. I saw myself dying... over and over and over and over....multiple ways...one night....in a number of hours...I died over 20 different ways....car crashes...plane crashes....burning buildings....gun shots....beaten to death...and finally...I got the point. After having that same dream for a week straight, I realized that it was time that I took my master's words seriously....and protected what was left of my life.

Growth...it occurs when we least expect it to. Through dreams....God has a tendency to reveal things to me. I used to doubt it...attribute it to coincidence...but there is no such thing...there is only God's plan. Back in 2001...when I still lived in NC...I kept having the same dream over and over again from Dec. 11 - 15....walking out of my house without saying goodbye...and never coming back....and waking up humming the same song..EVERY single time..."Lifetime" by Maxwell...wondering...what the hell is going on? And then it hit me...today will be my last day in North Carolina. No one had talked of moving...or leaving....or going anywhere other than me leaving to visit my mother in Maryland...but somehow I just knew...I wouldn't be coming back...but deep down, I prayed I was wrong. I went to school that day, said goodbye to everyone...took everything out of my locker...and left school early to start my winter break. I went out that night and did things I would have never done in my life...only trying to live in the moment that I would never possess again. The next morning I left for Maryland and since the 16 of December 2001, I have yet to step foot back in North Carolina. Coincidence? Can't be.

Let's move ahead. In the year 2009, I already have had 2 repetitious dreams that I believe are trying to tell me something. One I won't share for the privacy of that individual but the other I will share b/c I care not about my own privacy. [what can I say? Legitimacy is Intimacy] So far, 2 nights in a row this week...I have dreamed about my father being replaced....and I do mean this in the most literal way. He is there one second, then he is murdered. Then a man who actually has been a strong father figure in my life steps up and takes his place. The first night it was my stepfather...last night...it was my old high school English teacher who I have always viewed as a second father and still keep in touch with to this day. What does it mean???

Disclaimer: some people truly don't believe in interpreting dreams. IF you are one
of these people, then please, disregard all that i have said. I respect that stance but seeing as to how all my dreams in the past have meant something, I believe this also means something.

Getting back to what I was saying, a few weeks ago, my cousin from South Carolina (which is where my dad and his side of the family lives) called to tell me that my father was in the hospital...that he had tried to commit suicide. Now while I haven't had a real relationship with my father since 2001, it still cut my heart wide open b/c I love him so and think about him every day. EVERY day. I tried to reach him...not a chance. Tried to talk to him....he never picked up. Left messages. He never called me back. Called my cousin only to hear that he's out of the hospital and back home, presumably doing fine...then why hasn't he contacted me back??
Maybe...just maybe...my dream...may not occur in the literal sense...[God forbid my father be murdered]...but other men are definitely filling his void...and as much of a blessing as that is...it is equally depressing...and it will continue to haunt me..day by day...especially because I know it doesn't have to be this way.

I know this blog is very intimate...private....maybe a bit too emotional...but I had to get it out. These dreams plague me...I wish they would stop...but God gave them to me. I must...listen...pray...and do as He tells me...no matter how painful some of it may be...nor how frightening or disheartening. I've been trying to reach out to my father for YEARS...and I've been rejected every single time...in multiple ways. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to let go...to allow the other men in my life to be positive male father figures...and to stop subjecting myself to constant rejection...as painful as it is...Revelation Revealed.

"I love her cuz she got her own"

Idk if it's just me, but lately most hip hop/r&b songs are singing about how sexy "independent" women are. What exactly makes a girl 'independent'? Well according to Webbie, independence is when a woman "has her own house, own car, works hard, two jobs...". Fair enough. I would say that's independent. According to Neyo, it's such a turn on when a woman wants him, but doesn't need him. He loves it when she says "don't worry, I got it".

Guys love to be treated and taken care of just as much [if not more] as women do. Most guys love independent women because they know that if they are privileged enough to be a part of her life, it's because she wants him, not because she needs him for anything. Why is being wanted more desirable than being needed? And why all the sudden support for women being independent and playing more instrumental roles in life and relationships?

I'm just curious. Is it better to be an independent woman than to be a housewife? I also wonder, while being independent, does that enable you to be submissive? Does it make marriage less desirable? Does it make women more defiant? If a woman has no need for a man, doesn't that make him somewhat disposable?

These are all just thoughts. Being independent, whether male or female, is always a great thing to be. I just wonder if there is such a thing as a "too independent" woman. Thoughts?

No-No-No-NotorIOUS [Lil' Kim vs. B.I.G.]

I have always personally preferred Tupac to Biggie Smalls and that hasn't changed, but what has changed is how I view Big. I do have a lot more respect for him as a rapper than I had before. While I prefer Tupac, I can't lie; Biggie is definitely more talented. Not only did the movie open me up to the story behind his tragic life but it also showed me that some men just love women. Big's fat ass was a womanizer. And to be honest, he had MAD GAME. He could spit to any shorty and make her swoon - instantly! And that seems to be the case with Lil Kim. She was SO obsessed with Big [according to the film] that she would do whatever he asked of her, even if it meant she had to compromise or degrade herself. This tells the story of most women who succumb to the role of Ms. Stress. Hoping to gain your lover's FULL affection, you go above and beyond every time hoping that maybe this time will lead to your ultimate desire. I don't fault or look down on Lil' Kim for what she became or what she has done b/c [according to the film] she was a lost teen looking for a way out just like Big. Women never have it as easy as men when it comes to situations like this. They usually do have to sell their bodies, even their souls.

Now with all this said, why is Lil Kim soooo upset about the movie? She said and I quote:
“The film studios and producers involved were more concerned about painting me as a ‘character’ to create a more interesting story line. Even though my relationship with Big was at times very difficult and complicated - as with most relationships we have all experienced at one time or another - it was also genuine and built on great admiration and love for each other."

I don't understand her disclaimer. According to long time Biggie fans, the nature of their relationship was public knowledge. Even Faith Evans applauded the film, which clearly shows that she also acknowledged that Lil Kim was the woman on the side. And most importantly, LIL KIM OK'D THE FILM. Why did she accept the script if her character was fatally flawed? I saw all this to say that CLEARLY at some point, Big really loved Kim. That much is clear. But what is also clear is that the relationship was very sexual, but after a while his heart was no longer in it. I feel like her disclaimer states the obvious and shows that maybe as she looks back at who she used to be, she is filled with shame. And that in itself is a shame. She was young. She went with what she felt. No one can fault her for that. I just think it's disrespectful to the memory of Big, his family, and his fans to shit on a movie that you know damn well is true. If age has taught you nothing, hopefully it teaches us ALL to take responsibility for our actions, even if in retrospect, we aren't proud of them.

I do it for <3

For anyone who really knows me, they know the person that I idolize the most is Tyra Banks. Why? I couldn't even fully begin to explain. Have you ever just seen someone who you thought the worst about show you the best you could ever see from another human being? What a powerful transformation that is in your psyche! I used to be under the impression that Tyra Banks, supermodel, was a straight bitch. I thought she didn't have any respect for others and I also thought she was very unintelligent. But in contrary to my stark beliefs, I witnessed quite the opposite. Let's not get this twisted. Lol...I don't know her personally. However, you can tell a lot about a person by watching how they interact with others. What is the point of all of this?

Mainly just to encourage people to be themselves. The more someone is true to themselves, the more others respect and appreciate them. it's hard sometimes b/c self denial is running way more rampant than denial in general ever has. But once we figure out who we are, learn to love that person, and stay true to that person no matter what, in any given situation, we too are worth being idolized. Its the strength and resilience of a person that brings them glory & a person's unique nature that brings them honor. But it is a person's heart that brings them love. Are you worthy of any?

[for your pleasure, i have attached a clip of Tyra that is most entertaining. Enjoy!]

@ your Best, U R <3

Aaliyah Dana Haughton - Born on this day, January 16, back in 1979, left a lasting impact on the music community and has yet to be forgotten, even since her death in 2001 on August 25th. Her music, always sweet, always full of love, conveyed a lot of messages to me about things that I may have once been closed minded about or never really knew. The song I have chosen to talk about is "@ your best". The lyrics from this song show that human nature is capable of more than selfish acts of indulgence and self pride. It shows that sometimes even when we can't personally get it together, by witnessing another human @ "their best", we can be positively influenced and their strength, for that moment at least, could be our strength.

Aaliyah was more than a singer to me, more like an idol. She represented what I aspired to be when I got older. Smart, sexy, and sweet. She was a beautiful person inside and out and she will be terribly missed. On this day, had that tragic accident never taken place, she would be 30 years old.

Thank God for life everyday. Not one second on this earth is promised to anyone.

One Love <3

Here...&&&...There

Gazing up @ the midnight sky, the stars mesh with my eyes.
The darkness engulfs me as I simultaneously become one with the universe.
Lying there, bare, under the cool star-lit sky, my body starts to lax and max out.
As I touch the part of my body that emits the most heat, my entire body responds accordingly.
I do this because I know you love to watch.
As the heat begins to scorch my fingertips, my body temp climbs a few degrees.
As beads of sweat drip down my face, I slow it down and invite your fingers in to join the party.
Letting you do what I do best, I begin to climax as if I'm hitting a high note on a sax
my body curls and I invite the hardest part of your body to join the warmest part of mine.
As your big, hard dick stretches my insides, my face contorts
forming those silent screams that only painful pleasure can cause.
I begin to grind with you, my rhythm becoming your rhythm; your groove becoming mine.
As the anticipation builds, the climax rapidly approaches yet again.
[multiple orgasms has always been my preferred destiny]
As my back curves to the highest arch possible, my throat emits the highest note known to man
I suddenly lie very still...seeing nothing but darkness with twinkling things
as the blurry vision caused by sweat and tears clears...I see the stars...and I see my fears
I am no longer one with the universe...but only one with myself
no matter how much I try to re-immerse myself...I fail
I just stare...and stare....but inside I cry...knowing I will always be here...and that beautiful galaxy will always be there.
far
far
a w a y.

Dear Karma [The Biggest Bitch I Know]

The old saying "What Goes Around, Comes Around"
takes a whole new meaning for me today.
I was forced to look myself in the face and see how my actions affected someone else
after being informed that someone did the same thing I did to them to me.
wow...
how about that for a change of pace?
Karma is the biggest bitch i know.
She don't take no shit from nobody.
You may think you have her beat...but really...she's just patiently
plotting her feat of depleting your reality and knocking you down to your knees
Shit...Karma is so bad, she can get you long after you even expect it.
So bad in fact, that once you think you may have gotten away with doing something without any type of consequence, she pops up like an unexpected visitor, bearing many gifts...
yet none of which you want...
but you have no choice but to accept them b/c not too long ago...you gave her these same gifts to deliver to someone else.
oh no..don't try to skirt out on Karma...that bitch don't play.
she will make a fool out of you...any given time of any given day.
she's the BIGGEST BITCH I KNOW. she don't take NO SHIT.
try her if you think I'm joking. She loves her job. enjoys every minute of it.
I had a run in with Karma today, && she laughed her ass off as I begrudgingly accepted her gifts.
she patted me on the back when I attempted to hang my head low and lifted my chin, looking me in the eye, informing me she's just returning the favor she did for me oh so many months ago.
How could I be SO ungrateful??

Dear Karma,
I owe you an apology. I took you for a joke and that wasn't fair. I mistook your power for play and mistook your grace for faith. I thought I was in the right but now I see just how in the wrong I really was. But I also see that it was for a reason. Because you showed up today and showed out, I now know that my initial visit with you back in May was not by chance. It was meant to happen. Sometimes we love people so deeply and b/c of how deeply we love them, we believe we should be with them. But what you showed today was that love has nothing to do with it. You are a better match maker than cupid. You take people away from each other who THINK they have what it takes to make it and pair them with individuals who lack all the things they are missing. Initially, it's only natural to deny the puzzle piece phenomena b/c no human honestly wants to ever admit that another human being completes them. That leads to the possibility of being hurt. But you do it so beautifully, that no matter how great the risk, it can't help but be screamed from a roof top. IT WAS MEANT TO BE. And I thank you Karma, for being a bigger Bitch than me.

...Every Now & Then W/Out Warning...

I'm so in love...

with the idea of who i could be

still in love...

with the notion of who i shud be

never been in love quite before...

until i realized who i will never be

my healing heart is full of pain...

filled with the dried tears that once left my white pillow cases stained

I like kissing you...

b/c it takes me away from myself

you protect me...

from myself...seeing the world for what it actually is...

I trust you...

and because of that...I have chosen to not live

&&& that's just it...
life is too short not to
afraid of making mistakes
when the whole point of life is to do just that
without mistakes, learning never occurs
without learning, growth never takes place
and with all that said...i'm currently staring death in the face
neglecting my right to LIVE and to SEE what life is trying to show me
boxing myself into a safe comfort zone, afraid of losing what i hold so dear to me
but if the old saying is true - what is meant to be will eventually be
so instead of trying to mold that reality...
i think i'd rather just wait & see