ALICIA
That was it; that was all that I could take. I longed for more, I longed for all that should be given to me freely…I obviously didn’t deserve as much as I believed that I did. I just wish, wish that I had an opt to show her that I meant what I said, everything that I said…that even though it may have been wrong…I want what I want and that is that – end of discussion.
Why I couldn’t just say all of this to her still remains a mystery to me…a problem that has yet to be solved. Seeing her beautiful face everyday, hugging her, loving her, and most importantly, being with her has altered my life so greatly, it’s almost as if my breakdown was nonexistent…that the depression that used to possess my reality no longer had any application to my life. Do you any idea how this made me feel? How free I finally felt to finally be able to embrace and share my love with the one true person that my heart has been captured by…but it isn’t all gravy and butter; life isn’t all smooth and clear…every now and then…reality, I mean the true reality, not the ones that we as humans have learned to believe in and depend on, but the reality provided from the insight of the high and mighty one from above decides to kick in and show that even though we are ok right now, sooner or later, we were both going to have to toughen up and prepare to truly embrace our future…our future of being apart…our future of being the type of people that we honestly were raised to be…the type of women who grow up, fall in love with beautiful men, get married, have a family and just live motha fuckin happily-ever-after…yeah right!
But none of this was on my mind right now…I mean, how could it be? I have this beautiful woman lying next to me, naked as can be, lying freely with her hand on my hand and her eyes on mine…All I could possibly think at the moment was how in love I was…how I would give damn near anything to remain in this elegant bliss of being able to truly be happy in the presence of the one who is supposed to provide me with joy…What can I say yo; I love this girl!
CADENSE
It was so unrealistic in my eyes…so unpredictable, so spontaneous, so out of nowhere…lying next to this girl so awkwardly exposed without a single thought or intention of even attempting to try to cover myself up. I was in bliss, enjoying the presence and the essence given off by this spicy Latin queen…Alicia Lopez, the love that has conquered my heart, taken over my soul, and completely and totally possesses my mind…this half Latin/half Black Americana chica who has so subtly slipped her way into my life with a permanent position…This girl…this woman lying next to me who is perfectly aware of my exposure but focusing in on nothing but the sultriness of my eyes…this girl…she has worked wonders in my life…things that I will never forget, things that I will never ever want to cease to remember…We both know that this bliss, this essence of pure happiness and enjoyment of life is horribly temporary, for eventually we will have to address the nature of our potential, but “mos def” definite separation. But until that moment comes, I will faithfully live in the moment and get the most from our situation.
It’s almost jus such a love story of classic telling to explain to you, dear reader, the process behind the unity of our souls…yet I feel so inclined to share it anyway. You see, Alicia, she is such a hopeless romantic, not when it comes to love or love affairs in general, but when it comes to me. She so badly believes that we were meant to be, maybe not for eternity but for the moment and forever in her own personal chamber of her heart…she believes that we are forever. I believed that we belonged as friends, no more, yet definitely no less. She saw right through me, broke me down, and helped me to understand and apply the concept of “embracing the here and now”; that is what my half Espanola chica has done for me…
Life has been a constant journey for me, traveling through bad thoughts, bad experiences and bad people, dealing with those with a tolerant level who don’t even possess the privilege to even have the right to be dealing with me…it has all been seen, it has all been said, and it mos def has all been done…yet I still stand for my feelings, the feelings that possess me so without any cheering on from my part. I do not support my feelings nor do I take them to be completely just in this situation, but I do know that right or wrong, the feelings are real, and, at this point, that is all that should matter…therefore, it is the only thing that really does.
These things that I speak of are not easy things to share, not easy to tell how you know that what you are doing is wrong but there is no way for you to stop yourself…it is hard to admit that I feel as if I have no control, that as of now, all I have the power to do is flow with the moment. These things that I speak of, they hurt my soul…but just know, it’s all worth it if I can jus help one struggler finally reach their goal…
ALICIA
Lying here next to my girl, all I want to stare at is the beautiful shade of brown that her eyes seem to sparkle with. It’s not about the physical thangs when it comes to me and C, because deep down in her heart, all I want is for her to feel me…
A classic love tale, that is definitely what we share, for a lot of prodding and pressuring was done on my part to open her eyes and focus her mind…I wouldn’t even deny the accusation that maybe I kind of did brainwash her, but I can honestly say that it was not even remotely necessary nor was it a direct intention. I love her, yes, I wanted to be with her and would stop at the cost of nothing, yes, but in the end, none of that would have mattered if she didn’t feel the same way…so as you can see, mos definitely…I didn’t have to brainwash her, I jus had to help open her mind up to the possibility of exploring her mind and embracing the way she knows that she honestly feels…in the end, that is definitely a much healthier solution than struggling to hold it in…
It breaks my heart to know that me and C are not forever, and it hurts even more to know that even if she wanted to, there jus is no possibility…we both have a purpose, a purpose in life that only involves the other in the role of a friend, a moral supporter…not a lover, and as much as it hurts to say it, I know it’s the truth. As much as I believe it to be a sin, I believe that the fact that our love is real is justification enough for us take it to the next level…it jus isn’t just enough for us to try to endure this “next level” for eternity…
Don’t be fooled at my boldness and willingness to admit my iniquities and my wrongs…it still is an extremely difficult and horribly painful thing to do…but after it is all said and done, all I want to be able to do is to look back on my life with no regrets toward or about this girl, because even though we may not be together, she will always be the love that I keep in my heart, reminding me that true love is still possible…even if it isn’t exactly probable…
ALICIA & CADENSE
Dear reader, we really want you to understand that this is the true tell tale of a lesbian love affair that held the love and potential to go far but lacked the support, drive, and determination needed to keep the engine running. We hope, in our attempt to shed some light on the multi-emotional state of mentality that you will be feeling throughout your adventure, that you don’t forget that what you are doing may be “wrong”, but that you remember that no matter what the circumstance, love is never wrong! Remember, and apply it, for without it, you will die an unhappy being, “A hesitant today only leads to a regretful tomorrow, but a proactive spirit leads to healthy love and appreciation for life…”.
Love,
Alicia
&
Cadence
“It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved (nor embraced it) at all…”
