It wasn't love.... but it was somethin like it [part 1]

Sometimes I drink to numb the pain
other times...I simply try to ignore it
Sometimes...I drink, dance, think like a slut...find someone to fuck
&&& nut

&&& I'm ok with that

Sometimes I do things... just for attention...just to do it...
other times...it's intentional...w/ meaning... something deep
Sometimes I like to fuck w/ people's heads..get inside... drive them crazy...
save me

&&& I'm just fine with that

Sometimes....I'm not sure who I am....
other times....it's unmistakable
Sometimes I purposely try to redefine myself for the sake of invention & creation
the end result: my ideal & real selves have NO relation

&&& I'm like... that's cool.

Sometimes...I think I'm not good enough to achieve...that I'm destined to fail
other times, I feel UNSTOPPABLE
Sometimes I feel powerful...yet limited...qualified...yet contained
don't let it all be in vain....

&&& I say.... true dat.

[2 b cont]

New Dawn

Daybreak...
the sun shining brightly
her heart dances lightly
@ the notion of realizing that SHE is ALIVE.
Demons...who lingered over her in the midnight hour
are nowhere to be found as the sun scours
over the earth & her.... alone.
Engulfed in darkness.... until daybreak, that is
where everything she feared, everything she was....
is revealed

Love

she yearned for something deeper....
a connection of sorts...
another human being to FILL her
in every variation of the word.
but she KNEW... that what she needed... & what she wanted
were contradictory...mutually exclusive.... too complicated
Independent.... but dependent at the very same time
Lonely...but has never actually been left alone to truly experience
what true loneliness is....
she assumes...
guesses.....

it's HER life....

nothing but a shell of her previous self....
she was once bright...an inner glow could be seen from afar
she was once loving...in love with the idea of life & being in love
she was once... alive... fearing no outcomes, only taking chances to live & learn

&&& now...she is a ghost of her past self.... afraid... dark.... dim.... dead
her inner glow has been extinguished.... &&& her ability to love has been lessened... greatly
this is her reality.... in the darkness, late in the midnight hour..
the demons hunt her nocturnally... preying on her flesh & weary mind...
she gives in... she knows not how to fight [anymore]....
so instead...she lies there....allowing herself to be preyed upon...
praying that one day..it will result in death
it MUST be easier than dealing with this shit....

Daybreak.
as she watches the demons leave....
she learns lesson plentiful every morning...
as they LEAVE...
she SEES
as they LEAVE...
she LEARNS...
LIFE...is still an option for her...
she cries.... feeling connected to God through her tears....
not knowing how much she can take...
but knowing that she still has yet to break....

Daybreak.

*joy always comes in the morning* :)

For Colored Girls

- Somebody almost walked away with ALL of my stuff -

*I just couldn't stand the thought of being sorry &&&& colored both at the same time*

~Being 'colored' is a metaphysical dilemma I haven't quite conquered yet~

...&&& this...is for Colored girls...who have considered suicide... but are moving toward the end of their own rainbows...

Word-Play

I wanted to do something..... at least.... so I thought...
caught up in thoughts that seem so magical... yet.... I felt so ... lost
Torn...
unsure... did I really WANT to do SOMEthing?.... or did I...
want.... nothing.
struggling to wrap my mind around my reality
seeing life in shades of color so blurred together that it becomes hard to define...
up...from down.... left from right....
blind.... from. Sight.
I wanted to DO..... something... ANYthing....
but what I NEEDED to do was NOTHING.