That feeling... of being oddly aware that you're alive... human... breathing... living... changing...
that connections and chemical reactions are constantly taking place....
making us whole.... making us who we are..... making us..... tick.
It's an interesting feeling...
my thoughts often form and travel faster than my ability to make sense of them, articulate them...
Create art from them... communicate them.
Pain &&& Pleasure. the duality... the insatiability... can one exist without the other?
I live in pain.... pleasure is a product of that sensation....
Lonely's the only other company....for me... No family... few friends... Jaded lovers..
Facing reality... sometimes feels like too daunting of a feat.
Self-medicating has become the only escape.. the only means of survival
Idk how I do it from day to day sometimes.... living, I mean...
I'm a pretty messed up person... I act like I have it all together.. but in reality, I admire people like my clients... who don't have it all together, can admit that, and are able to work on it simultaneously while still trying to make the most of their lives.... Their spirit... their joy, to just be alive, it's overwhelming....
It makes me ashamed... of the pain that consumes me... && my inability to truly cope with it. I merely suppress it, to the best of my ability.. && just try to make it.. but I feel as if an obvious cloud lingers over me... follows me... like the pain is etched into my essence... that my being reaks of resentment, bitterness, loneliness...&& I hate that about myself... but it's so pervasive... often so overwhelming.... that even through my attempts to suppress my pain..it still manages to find a way to seep through my pores... permeate my skin... and interfere with my life.
Got damn... I'm a strong individual.... despite the pain I'm consumed with inside.. I still manage to make it from day to day... do well in school, do well at work, do well at my internship, maintain relationships.... like.... sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning feels impossible... how am I still alive?
....doing this play "For Colored Girls" has made me more aware of the range of trials sistahs deal with, as women...I'm just thankful that I'm strong... and that no matter what, I am always able to endure....
