It wasn't love.... but it was somethin like it [part 1]

Sometimes I drink to numb the pain
other times...I simply try to ignore it
Sometimes...I drink, dance, think like a slut...find someone to fuck
&&& nut

&&& I'm ok with that

Sometimes I do things... just for attention...just to do it...
other times...it's intentional...w/ meaning... something deep
Sometimes I like to fuck w/ people's heads..get inside... drive them crazy...
save me

&&& I'm just fine with that

Sometimes....I'm not sure who I am....
other times....it's unmistakable
Sometimes I purposely try to redefine myself for the sake of invention & creation
the end result: my ideal & real selves have NO relation

&&& I'm like... that's cool.

Sometimes...I think I'm not good enough to achieve...that I'm destined to fail
other times, I feel UNSTOPPABLE
Sometimes I feel powerful...yet limited...qualified...yet contained
don't let it all be in vain....

&&& I say.... true dat.

[2 b cont]

New Dawn

Daybreak...
the sun shining brightly
her heart dances lightly
@ the notion of realizing that SHE is ALIVE.
Demons...who lingered over her in the midnight hour
are nowhere to be found as the sun scours
over the earth & her.... alone.
Engulfed in darkness.... until daybreak, that is
where everything she feared, everything she was....
is revealed

Love

she yearned for something deeper....
a connection of sorts...
another human being to FILL her
in every variation of the word.
but she KNEW... that what she needed... & what she wanted
were contradictory...mutually exclusive.... too complicated
Independent.... but dependent at the very same time
Lonely...but has never actually been left alone to truly experience
what true loneliness is....
she assumes...
guesses.....

it's HER life....

nothing but a shell of her previous self....
she was once bright...an inner glow could be seen from afar
she was once loving...in love with the idea of life & being in love
she was once... alive... fearing no outcomes, only taking chances to live & learn

&&& now...she is a ghost of her past self.... afraid... dark.... dim.... dead
her inner glow has been extinguished.... &&& her ability to love has been lessened... greatly
this is her reality.... in the darkness, late in the midnight hour..
the demons hunt her nocturnally... preying on her flesh & weary mind...
she gives in... she knows not how to fight [anymore]....
so instead...she lies there....allowing herself to be preyed upon...
praying that one day..it will result in death
it MUST be easier than dealing with this shit....

Daybreak.
as she watches the demons leave....
she learns lesson plentiful every morning...
as they LEAVE...
she SEES
as they LEAVE...
she LEARNS...
LIFE...is still an option for her...
she cries.... feeling connected to God through her tears....
not knowing how much she can take...
but knowing that she still has yet to break....

Daybreak.

*joy always comes in the morning* :)

For Colored Girls

- Somebody almost walked away with ALL of my stuff -

*I just couldn't stand the thought of being sorry &&&& colored both at the same time*

~Being 'colored' is a metaphysical dilemma I haven't quite conquered yet~

...&&& this...is for Colored girls...who have considered suicide... but are moving toward the end of their own rainbows...

Word-Play

I wanted to do something..... at least.... so I thought...
caught up in thoughts that seem so magical... yet.... I felt so ... lost
Torn...
unsure... did I really WANT to do SOMEthing?.... or did I...
want.... nothing.
struggling to wrap my mind around my reality
seeing life in shades of color so blurred together that it becomes hard to define...
up...from down.... left from right....
blind.... from. Sight.
I wanted to DO..... something... ANYthing....
but what I NEEDED to do was NOTHING.

I'm a "Writer"...or am I?

I haven't taken the time to write in a very long time... a part of me feels like I may even be afraid to do so... it's been so long... sometimes I even doubt the validity of calling myself a "writer"....

A "writer"... what does that even mean? How is it defined...I'm sure no one can truly say... which is typically the case w/ any given word or phrase... I am acknowledging my fear of writing... of trying... of opening myself up to being vulnerable to my thoughts... my wordly creations... giving in is easier said than done... writing is speaking.... only silently.... catharsis... w/out the awkward attention paid to diction... writing is too much of a release.. to do lightly anyway... when you write, you have to mean it... otherwise.. what's the point?

Another interesting detail that I have noticed about [my] writing is that it must be triggered... often by {negative} affect... sadly...if all is well, creation is lacking.. heavily... I guess it is true... out of destruction comes creation... personally I think it just may work the other way around as well... regardless... my ability to write [well] only seems to exist when a trigger is presented... when I try to write w/ a lack of a trigger... it is... often... incoherent... obsolete... bland... & lacking passion... I wonder why... proof that I am driven by my emotions &&& NOT my thoughts... guess I don't know how to execute I over E as effectively as I thought.... [revelations]..?

The more I write... the more I learn about myself... I realize often that I compromise who I am for the sake of maintaining relationships... but if I have to do that, is a relationship actually worth maintaining?... I wonder...the real challenge of life is accepting others exactly as they are... & being yourself so others have the opportunity to accept you exactly as YOU are...the fear that accompanies that challenge often conquers the task itself.. making it impossible to complete....

[[2 B Con't]]

**unfinished post**

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

:)

...If it's not Today....

Never felt this way...

&&& yet I'm so sure...

so confused...lost...anxious....

yet...I just know... my intentions are pure

the pain... that I cause... I feel..

the more I scar others, the longer it takes my heart to heal

I cry... inside....

too afraid to let the tears fall

I pray.... silently...

too afraid to hear my own desperate call

a feeling that is so intense... it takes everything in me to contain it

a pain that is so powerful...it takes my all...simply to just endure....

endure.... endure.... but at what point is this no longer enough?...

then what???.... what?....

trying my hardest to not give up....

but I don't know what else to do....

so to avoid the pain, the tears, the anxiety, the confusion...

I write....

&&& write

&&&& write.....

it's all I know... all I have....

so I cling to it for dear life....

the only form of catharsis that works....

the only way to make it... to persevere... the only way to be heard..

is to write...

so I will never stop....

ever...

&&& maybe then... just maybe... I will be able to escape myself...

only time will tell.

Love [or something like it]

I think about you... especially when I don't want to...
I dream of you... even when the characters are faceless ... I know they are ... you

Denial

Sometimes... I just want to be with you... && sometimes... I really don't...
I sit & wait for you to contact me... but deep down... I know you won't...

Uncertainty

Instability is characteristic of most... so why use it as an excuse?
Deep down I feel ... you are looking for an easy way cut me loose...

Passion

The complexity of thought...emotion... is complicated enough to elude us all
... but perhaps... maybe... just maybe.. that's the beauty of it [the ability to fall]

Being a Black Woman Is...

Beautiful

Powerful

Dangerous

Painful

Complicated

Lovely

Daring

Spontaneous

Heavy

.....

it is anything...everything... that a person could imagine...

Black...is...Beautiful

Beautiful
Black
Woman

3 words...that can't be separated....

Queen...

Black Women...why is it so hard to embrace US? who we are? who we want to be? what we want to do? what we want to look like?

We are taught by history to not trust ourselves, defile ourselves, deny ourselves... we are commanded to self-hate...

no wonder black women have the most complex self-esteem...

Conquerors...powerful beyond measure... Black Woman....

Being a Black Woman is...

Pleasure... [a neverending battle]

~Ms. EZ~