Growing Pains

That feeling... of being oddly aware that you're alive... human... breathing... living... changing...
that connections and chemical reactions are constantly taking place....
making us whole.... making us who we are..... making us..... tick.

It's an interesting feeling...
my thoughts often form and travel faster than my ability to make sense of them, articulate them...
Create art from them... communicate them.

Pain &&& Pleasure. the duality... the insatiability... can one exist without the other?

I live in pain.... pleasure is a product of that sensation....

Lonely's the only other company....for me... No family... few friends... Jaded lovers..

Facing reality... sometimes feels like too daunting of a feat.

Self-medicating has become the only escape.. the only means of survival
Idk how I do it from day to day sometimes.... living, I mean...

I'm a pretty messed up person... I act like I have it all together.. but in reality, I admire people like my clients... who don't have it all together, can admit that, and are able to work on it simultaneously while still trying to make the most of their lives.... Their spirit... their joy, to just be alive, it's overwhelming....

It makes me ashamed... of the pain that consumes me... && my inability to truly cope with it. I merely suppress it, to the best of my ability.. && just try to make it.. but I feel as if an obvious cloud lingers over me... follows me... like the pain is etched into my essence... that my being reaks of resentment, bitterness, loneliness...&& I hate that about myself... but it's so pervasive... often so overwhelming.... that even through my attempts to suppress my pain..it still manages to find a way to seep through my pores... permeate my skin... and interfere with my life.

Got damn... I'm a strong individual.... despite the pain I'm consumed with inside.. I still manage to make it from day to day... do well in school, do well at work, do well at my internship, maintain relationships.... like.... sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning feels impossible... how am I still alive?
....doing this play "For Colored Girls" has made me more aware of the range of trials sistahs deal with, as women...I'm just thankful that I'm strong... and that no matter what, I am always able to endure....

The Art of Giving & Receiving...

A friend once said to me, "Most people say you should treat people how you want to be treated. But really, you should treat people how they want to be treated."

While riding home today,  I took a minute (music off, focused) to think about the people in my life.
I looked back over time, at the friends, as well as romantic relationships, that I've had/have... && I've realized that most of the miscommunication that occurs between others and myself revolves around giving and receiving.

Allow me to explain this further.

I know myself. &&& how far I'm willing to go for the average human being, not to mention someone I consider myself cool with, completely independent of anyone I would even call a (close) friend...
I'm a(n over) giver. That's how I show my love, respect, and appreciation for others. I give.

However...

I do not feel I am able to receive. Often... it takes awhile, if ever, for me to genuinely receive from those I care about. I question motives.... I worry about intentions...when hurt by that person, I do not believe that it was not purposeful.... but worst of all, if I'm not being "given to" the way I feel I need to be, it may, again, take me awhile (if ever) to receive what someone is trying to give me....

My insecurities around getting too close to a person or being taken advantage of force me to immediately put my guard up completely when I sense the slightest bit of indiscretion. This is not effective. However, it is the only defense mechanism that has truly protected me from experiencing further hurt. The bad thing about this though, is that it hurts the person who is trying to give to me. Because my wall, sturdy and high, is impenetrable, the person attempting to break through often grows tired, sometimes even to the point of giving up... Who can blame them? Sometimes we all must accept defeat.

But that's where the epiphany comes in. If we truly love others, we must be willing to receive their version of giving. No matter how their notion of giving differs from our version of giving, or even from our notion of what a person giving to us should look or feel like... if we truly care about a person, we should accept them for who they are, along with their notion of giving, and be willing to receive that giving to the best of our abilities.

Now... sometimes, it just doesn't work. Sometimes, how two people give & receive are just too different, and it is nearly impossible to give or receive on either end without changing who you are as a person... However.... usually, I feel, it often involves us stepping outside of ourselves, attempting to put ourselves in the other person's shoes, and attempt to understand their notion of giving in order for us to better receive.

I've learned this lesson before.... that I must accept others for who they are, and how they are. && I can take it or leave it. But...if who and how they are isn't harmful, but simply different from who & how I am, I should be willing to accept that person and understand... that though their version of giving may not be how I prefer to receive... at least that person feels positively enough about me to give... and that alone should at least make me willing to attempt to receive. I expect the same from others... which tends to be easier on my end because I "over-give", which may result in some saying I give too much, but that's who and how I am. && anyone who cares about me will accept that ....and equally be willing to receive, even if they don't agree with how I give.....

&&& there's the crux. It's a push n pull. A give & take. But each person must be willing to compromise for each other's sake....

..scattered thoughts...

Half note.... scattered.

Tears. Dropped, dried, discarded.

I think of you. Of me. How lost I've become within you, in me.

Watching tall grass... lillies... dance and sway in the breeze

In my mind... I attempt to paint you... from the memories of the pictures I've taken of your soul

With my mind. In my mind.... I create you.

I was once scared.... disappointed.... ashamed of myself. For loving you.

Emotion... foreign. consuming.

This. Can't. Be.

Life.

This. Can't. Be.

Me. You. Us.

Overwhelmed by a sensation that is so indescribable...

It burns my chest... fires within begging to be released... expressed....

Words just begging to be free.

Why can't they just be freed?..... Free them.

Free me.

Half note.... Scattered. Lost.... in the breeze, drifting in the wind of this Street Melody.

Intimate Confessional...

I don't want nobody more than you...
can't even think straight....
I've fallen....
for you [sexually] I see within you.
you see past me
yet I stay...
and hold on...
simply because....
I 've fallen
for you.
Sexually.
It's real....
Deep...
pervasive....
dynamic...
lowkey....
I'm an addict..
For you.

Subconscious: The Inevitable... [an interlude]

But here goes nothin....

That's what I thought when I initially indulged you.
Here I stand...a year later.
Little did I know...

It was something.

That's how life is. You enter a situation w/ minimal expectations... && leave w/ an exorbitant amount of absorbed energy. Feelings. Thoughts. Emotions. Sentiments.... && yes... expectations...

Because no matter how much we try to convince ourselves not to expect anything... that in itself creates the environment for expectations to thrive.

The norm, the status quo, innately becomes the unspoken expectation and you inevitably, yet subconciously, begin to hold said other to that implicit standard.

Life....

It wasn't love. But...it was something like it [the next chapter]

It wasn't love.
But. It was something like it.
Possessive. Overwhelming.
Dynamic. Changing. Fluid...
Kept me guessing...
Drifting in & out of reality
w/ just one kiss, the touch of your lips
Against my skin... Dimly lit cellar...
Moonlight peeking in at us through the cracks
Acknowledging what once separated us...uniting us...Simultaneously..
With the stars.. the universe.
We are one.

But.

It wasn't love.

Demanding... My mind lost touch w/ all variations of logic
My heart...intertwined w/ desire...
&& lust for the unknown... I thrusted
myself forward...into the abyss
Spiraling out of control... But I liked it
Felt alive... Spicy... Dangerous

It was something like it.... Love.

Something about it.... that made it so undeniable that, knowingly, I indulged in what was of great risk to me..

Thinking... That never happened.
Feeling... All of which I could never understand...
All I knew
All I knew
All...I...Knew....

It wasn't love....
But. It was something like it..

The Beginning...

Care Less.

Win More.

Do Less.

Get More.

Expect Nothing.

Disappointment Dissipates.

Trust no One.

Nowhere is Safe.

Progression is difficult, often, because forgiveness challenges the ability to forget.

Memories serve as a lifeline for pain, creating an abyss for negativity to dwell.

Paradox. Irony. Life.